AM ⌭PM | 017

AM ⌭PM | 017
Photo by Lukas Robertson / Unsplash

I woke up in the middle of the night last night. This happens to me a lot, but I can get back to sleep most of the time. Last night was not one of the "most of the time" times.

After tossing and turning for a few hours, I recognized what sort of insomnia I was dealing with --the kind that would hold on till the early morning and would only let go shortly before my kids woke up. This would give me maybe an hour or so of sleep, and when I'm forced to wake from this small amount of sleep, I'll feel wretched.


Why could I not sleep?

My body will alternate between feeling too hot then too cold. Every position will be almost comfortable, but just shy of comfortable enough. My thoughts will race, but it is unlikely they will be interesting or productive.

This kind of insomnia is a real brutal thing. I really hate it.


I woke up at 2:14 am, and as I write these words, it is 4:11 am. This day is full of things I need to do, and they will all be easier if I'm rested, but I won't be rested.

The sleep train left at 2:14 am. I was not on it. It is a long way off now, and I'm here, stranded, alone, waiting for the next train that will not come for many hours.

A quote from William Gibson's novel Pattern Recognition comes to mind:

... Cayce Pollard wakes in Camden Town to the dire and ever-circling wolves of disrupted circadian rhythm.
It is that flat and spectral non-hour, awash in limbic tides, brainstem stirring fitfully, flashing inappropriate reptilian demands for sex, food, sedation, all of the above, and none really an option now.

Gibson's got a way with words. His sentences are my favorite out of all the sentences I've read. They stay with me and come to mind unbidden in moments like right now.

I wrote these words hoping that doing so would release some kind of tension and that I'd be able to sleep if that tension was released.

It probably will not work, but I tried. (When you're awake at 4:21 am and getting desperate for sleep, you've got to try stuff.)

I'll edit and then post this later tomorrow... (damn it) ...later today. Wish me luck.

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